As I grew and matured through childhood and adolescence, people had different ways of speaking to me. There were directives, explanations, threats, dogmas, requests. So much rang hollow.
As an adult, I noticed how many times I entered a conversation only to come up disappointed. I experienced that reaching out to another can be very elusive, even scary! These interactions would seem simple but turn out to be quite complicated. Sometimes, not a pretty picture!
This issue seems especially acute today because of what is often called the “cultural divide”. We seem to be in different worlds, with extreme views on many significant topics.
Our attempts to commune are especially challenged. Our interpersonal and social dialogue are stressed. These may be divorced from their life spring within, a deeply personal level, in the body, the mind, and the heart. Many pitfalls, misunderstandings, suffering, stress, and anxiety seem to find their source in conversations that lack mindfulness and heart-fullness. What happens to the pure intentions, inner peace, or honest sorrow felt during silent meditation when we try to interact with others?
When we leave the quiet of meditation, too often conversations become a feeding frenzy of making each other feel good, or bad, as the case may be. We tend to create a web of stories with very little engagement.
There can be an emptiness about it all. Much of our dialogue tends to turn our pain into suffering.
If we aspire to connect the deeply personal with the interpersonal our dialogue may evolve. So, why not explore and experiment with finding a wise path through any conversation, difficult or otherwise?
Mindful communication cultivates the characteristics inherent in human nature that encourage mutual understanding, empathy, intimacy, and meaningful interactions: healing, rather than wounding; soothing, rather than irritating.
The salient words here are “inherent in human nature”. This is not a fix or good advice. And, certainly, it is not a recipe. The intent is to learn to bring the honesty, peacefulness, and openness of personal meditation into the interactive world of relationships; where the stuff hits the fan.
This is key to reducing suffering and minimizing the chaos caused by verbal interactions that are not rooted in the present. In other words: illusory!
So, exactly what does mindfulness have to offer along these lines? How does mindfulness influence the life experience of an individual? How does it work?
To answer these questions, we begin at the beginning. First, we recognize that how we are and how we see ourselves influence our worldview. As the cartoon below illustrates, we are often stuck in our world view insisting that we are right.
Despite this, we can recognize that our deepest nature is infused with the characteristics of mindfulness e.g. love, compassion, wisdom, joy, and equanimity.
These characteristics are natural, as if metaphorically speaking, in our DNA. Our job is to get out of the way so that the light from our inner self might emerge.
When interacting with others, it is helpful to make a conscious effort to allow our basic characteristics to emerge. Recognize that the soul will often whisper and reveal itself even when the impulses toward anger, smug self-righteousness, and worse are present.
When this happens, it is helpful to pause, relax, and open our hearts. Then, allow the awareness of our sensations, thoughts, and emotions to be present right there in the conversation.
Trust your inner, more enlightened impulse, even when your every inclination may be just the opposite, e.g. bellicose, and non-accepting. As you do this, keep your attention on your own “Being” and the “Being” of the other, rather than on the impact of what they say. Stay with who we and the other person are rather than getting lost in words and thoughts. So, each time we interact with others, it is helpful to remember Eckhart Tolle’s advice and focus on the energy field of your inner body (and that of the other’s body).
Speaking and listening from our deepest Being is to live from who we really are and to commune as One. This may be our greatest natural gift and one way to touch the Divine.
by Bill Mies
